I’m a Mess

We had our fourth baby back in November. She was 9 days late, 9 pounds, and perfect. She is exactly what we wanted, exactly what we needed, and when people ask me how we are doing, I tell them we are overwhelmed and underwater. We have no clue what we are doing and often look at each other at the end of the day and wonder how we got to where we are. We wipe butts, clean the house, check homework, break up fist fights, drink way too much coffee, talk through crushes and friend drama, drive to activities, and then go to bed and do it all over again. Oh, also the baby doesn’t like to breastfeed, so I pump in between half of those, and then clean lipstick off of my 3-year-old in between the other ones. We don’t have it all together — quite honestly, we don’t have any of it together. But you know what, I don’t really care. I don’t want to have it all together, because then it feels so hard when it all comes apart. Because it will, in one way or another. Whether it’s a job, finances, a diagnosis, a behavioral issue, a loss, or even an addition. If you have finally “figured” it out, there isn’t room for change and growth in the midst of this crazy, chaotic thing we call life.

According to the dictionary, a mess is “an untidy state of things.” Untidy means, “not arranged neatly and in order.” Honestly, I feel like this is a very generous way to describe my life right now. Of course we aren’t neatly arranged. Of course things aren’t going to be tidy. We are human. We aren’t tidy beings, we can’t be categorized and neatly dealt with. And quite honestly, I don’t want to be. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me saying this it isn’t hard in the midst of it, but I know it’s going to be hard. I have 4 children who depend on me completely, so this is more about how I am going to show up in that hard. I want to be able to show up as me, shadow and glory side, and welcome my family to do the same. To me, being a mess means to live life with openness and freeness. No, things may not always look as nice, but sometimes, when we leave things out and a little worn, or untidy, it feels easier to jump into it. A messy bed is more inviting to snuggle in than a perfectly made one. A table with art supplies left out and scattered about is more inviting to create with than a room that’s curated and clean. When things are a mess, we aren’t worried about messing them up, so we can live truer, riskier, and more authentically. What do we have to lose?

This feels very true to where we are right now. Sitting where we are, open handed, ready to pivot when needed, and taking it day by day because we aren’t afraid of undoing or breaking something, because maybe we are already broken and are just doing our best to grow in that.

To me, being a mess feels less like a negative thing, and much more like living into freedom. I am who I am, my family is who they are. When we are a mess, we don’t have to be afraid of disrupting this life that we have created but instead get to constantly change and create it to be what it is meant to be in that season, or even just moment.

There is something beautiful that has happened in the process of having 4 children. I have started to learn to let go. Not just of control of my life, but of their lives, and who they are. I’m leaning into parenting them for who they are, and not who I thought they would be, or even who I may want them to be at times. We can clean up a mess. A mess can be repaired, a mess is less intimidating to walk into, because there isn’t an expectation of what it is supposed to be, there are unlimited possibilities of what it could become. A mess feels hopeful to me. I hope my children feel the freedom to be messy.

So, if you really want to know, I am a mess right now. I am in over my head, have no clue what I’m doing, and googled “how do you know if your nervous system is shot” today. But, in that, I am full of hope with what will come from this mess. I am living hands open, ready to catch myself and my loved ones when we trip and start all over again.

Life is so messy, but that’s what makes it so beautiful. It’s a realtime movie. Unedited and uncut. We shouldn’t, no we can’t hide those parts of ourselves, because who knows who needs to see those parts of us. Who knows who needs to know it’s okay to be a mess too. We don’t have to wait until it is tied up in a bow to share it — because let’s be real, who actually has enough ribbon for that.